I Am Going to Freak… So I Wrote Personal Vows Instead

I am going to freak.

What happens when….. I am  taught not to speak up, that others know better, and what I have to say is wrong? I go through years of intense soul searching to figure out why I feel so anxious, so unhappy, so unable to speak my mind or trust my gut. I then start to hear myself, trust myself, feel less anxious, speak my mind, live a life that is more in tune with my ideals, my emotions, my thoughts. 

Then I am placed back in the situation where I was taught not to speak and that what I think is wrong, yet I trust myself more and am living a life I would like to share and have others be a part of. It’s like an explosion of forces. The old self that can feel put down by the eye rolls, by the unspoken words, by the stories told that are meant to represent things that they are not, while the new self feels rage and like it wants to tear down every wall and every bad feeling that was ever created by that very essence. 

It’s a hard place to be. A collision of two worlds that are so deep. One world that is so ingrained and another world I worked so hard to create. When so much emotion is still held tight… not seen, not spoken, not told…. It has to go somewhere. 

Where should it go. I should use it break down all the silence, all the words never spoken, all the emotions held SO TIGHT, felt alone and with silent tears.  I should use it to wash over the old thoughts of FEELING like not knowing, of TOLD bad judgements, of SILENCE… so much silence. 

I don’t need someone to still tell me how I should see things, how I should feel, how to live. That is never someone’s job and it is DEFINITELY not someone’s job adult to adult. Instead, I would love someone to ask me about MY world.

Here is what I vow to myself and to my children:

I will say exactly what I mean.

I will say exactly what I mean. If I want someone to know how I feel or my thoughts, and if I am asked my feelings or thoughts, I will say them. I will not give eye rolls, not talk about it so others can assume what I’m thinking, I will not tell stories that are supposed to represent what I actually want to say. If I want someone to know how I feel, I will say it directly. If I do not feel it is my place to say something, I will choose not to say it. 

2. I will see other people’s perspective.

I will see other people’s perspective. I understand that my view of the world is limited. I understand that my view of other people’s lives is coming from my own lense. I understand that my thoughts and feelings about another person’s life is not the same as anyone else’s thoughts and feelings about their own life or anyone else’s. It is not my job, my place, my right to judge someone else and the choices they make. If I want to be in someone’s life, I will do my best to join their world. I will try to understand it from their point of view. I will listen, ask questions, and be. 

3. I will welcome any emotion that arises.

I will welcome any emotion that arises. This does not mean I will let people treat me anyway they want. It means that I will be a witness to any emotion that arises in myself and that arises in someone else. There are no wrong emotions. No emotion needs to be hidden, unspoken, shamed or judged. Emotions are fluid. They are meant to be felt, seen and can also be witnessed. I do not live in a world where only a narrow range of emotions should be talked about or accepted. Come as you are.

4. I will help you to trust your judgement, your gut feeling, your truth.

I will help you to trust your judgement, your gut feeling, your truth. This is the most important truth. This is not a truth that needs to be taught or learned. It is your job to find your truth, it is your job as a parent to help your child trust their truth. Nobody knows better than you how you feel, how you think, how you see. Be free in knowing your truth lies within you.

5. I vow to work on the important relationships in my world.

I vow to work on the important relationships in my world. My tribe is powerful. If I am in someone else’s tribe, I will value that as highly as my own tribe. Relationships take work. This means the relationship with yourself as well. Check in. Be honest. Be real. Be there. 

Do not speak badly of yourself, for the warrior that is inside you hears your words and is lessened by them. You are strong and you are brave. There is a nobility of spirit within you. Let it grow.